Counting up my currency

So, I can now say I have experienced postpartum depression/anxiety.

It's why I changed the header of the blog to "Out of the Blue"; it's the way it hit me, and where I'm headed.

I have wanted to write about the experience, but with all it's complexities I hardly know where to start. On occasion there is still a vague feeling of angst in my chest. In the early days after my sweet Jack was born I spent a lot of time trying to figure the feeling out and be rid of it. Actually, I spent too much time at this, but I'll save the details of that for another post. The physiological "chaos" in me has been very real, but the fears and forebodings have not been. Anthony and I talked the other day during one of these anxious times. This definitely was not unusual, as Anthony has most faithfully and amazingly stood very firmly, hearing, seeing, and feeling the most painful parts of this sojourn. What was different this time was my desire to not study at length what could potentially be the source of the anxiety, or to dissect it and find rational solutions for worries that are not based in reality.

I've always heard that the way to determine a counterfeit piece of currency from the real thing is by studying the real money. There are simply too many types of the bogus. But learning the intricacies of the authentic turns the novice into a pro at identifying the truth. This entry is a study in the genuine, the multiple ways in which I can see my healing taking place. It is a moment to gaze, not just glance, at the realities that are so much more substantial than some ambiguous sensation in my chest. It is a raw list and in no way exhaustive. And for there to be a truth there must be a lie that it counters, so this list will in a way lay bare and reveal the tremblings I have faced in these days. But the truth and increasingly beautiful redemption of my reality is what is worth taking into account.

Here goes. . .

I can sleep in peace

I take care of Jack everyday at home by myself

I know its not a "faith issue"

I get up every morning, have breakfast and silly conversation, and dress Isabella for school

I hosted a Thanksgiving party in our home

I can operate a vehicle

I have hope for tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year

I laugh

I've gone back to work

Jack weighs 11 pounds

Jack sleeps in 6 hour stretches at night

Jack loves the sound of my voice and smiles at me all the time

I made it through two weekends in November without Anthony

I'm not afraid of a rainy day

I'm not afraid of a nap

I get dressed almost every day

I pick Bella up from school every day

I feel perfectly peaceful EVERY night before bed

I cook supper

I feel the junk in my chest even now . . . but I know it's not real

"I still see things that are not here. I just choose not to acknowledge them. Like a diet of the mind, I just choose not to indulge certain appetites." (John F. Nash, Jr.)

I am better everyday. That is the truth, my real currency to spend. These blessings are worth a further study.