A bit of foreshadowing from December

This is something I wrote on December 21st, 2006. I reread it today and decided to post it as a sort of marker of the near beginning of the path I am currently on, and as a reminder to myself of what I really do know, aside from how I feel somedays. My emotions can be topsy turvy these days and because of past fears and experiences, at moments I can become clouded, confused, and afraid enough to "feel" that rather than carrying a life inside, I will find out that my womb has become a tomb.

But I know the truth. And this helps me to remember it. Within mere days of this entry, I was pregnant.

I am having a very long cycle. Today December 21st is day 54. It’s 4:03 am. I just took a test. I’m not pregnant. When I woke up this morning the thickness of the dream I was having was palpable. I could feel it on my fingertips. I was pregnant. I was pregnant with twins; a “double portion”, like “peas in a pod”. Hmm…I wonder.

I do not understand God’s timing. I don’t know why one day may be better than another for the fulfillment of a hope deferred. But I do know His heart towards me. I can feel Him. I hear all the words He has whispered to me, words that seemed little consolation when just wanting what I want so much. But now, only now, they are like honey on my lips and a salve to my soul. The Lord is building this house. He is keeping watch day and night. His exchange for my useless toil is rest. Children are a gift, His reward. The man whose quiver is full of them is blessed. Nothing is too big for God. He has begun a good work, and He is faithful to complete it. He wants to take my breath away. I am precious to Him. My family is precious to Him. My raising children is precious to Him. There is a place above the struggle of knowing how to operate in the right amounts of faith or fear. Peace reigns supreme there. I am blessed. My family is blessed. My children are blessed. It is not for me to intently watch for signs and symptoms, only His face. He is clearing the path for each child, removing all hindrances. He is not limited by space or time. He is not limited.

It is now very clear that this long cycle is coming to a close. A new one will soon begin. All things will be made new. It is coming. I know that it is. I know His timing is best. I know He has my heart and my hope. I know His hand is a place that is more than sufficient to keep them both. I know He has each of my children, lined up and at the ready; in the fullness of time.

Bella wants a playhouse for Christmas. It is the first thing she asked for, and the one resounding answer when she’s asked what she would like for Christmas. I was a little taken aback the other day when I heard her confidently declare to my sister that she was getting a playhouse. She doesn’t know that. There is no visible sign that would indicate to her that she is getting one. She has no idea that Anthony and I found, purchased, and picked up a playhouse for her, one that God almost supernaturally supplied. She’s just peaceful about it. She has mentioned it less and less these last few days, though. Maybe there’s a little bit of doubt in her sweet soul. She’s already begun saying, “It’s okay if I don’t get one. Maybe next year if not this year.” Or maybe she just trusts that when she asked, we heard her and at the right time a playhouse will be hers. She knows blessings and good things will still come to her on Christmas morning either way. But oh…what a surprise! She will receive her heart’s desire. She will have her hope fulfilled. She simply and quite assuredly made her request, but she has not begged. Nor would that have been necessary. The second we knew that is what she wanted we were on a mission to figure out how to make it happen. What a golden moment Christmas morning will be, and not just because of the gift. What a joy and honor it will be for her to see what making her request known and trusting that it was heard has done. God supplied her playhouse. We will make sure she knows that. He is making sure I know that if I am able to give good gifts, how much more does He know how to give good gifts? What is He waiting to lavish on us?

I don’t have to drone on to Him about another child, more children for my family. I can. He’s patient with me. But that will not bring them here faster. They will come when they come. I do, however, have to know that; they will come. He didn’t send me a calendar in the mail with the dates of their delivery, but He has made it clear; they will come. He wants it more that I do. It was His idea first. Today is day 54 in this long cycle that is winding down. The 54th chapter of Isaiah is about the “future glory of Jerusalem”.
I wait with expectation.

They will come.

And here they come!

P.S. Here is Isabella receiving her playhouse, and making it her own (in it's temporary location, the garage).