This Is Not That

Welp, I have had a difficult week. I have a short list of potential reasons why it has been a difficult time, but I'm pretty sure the reasons aren't important. The hardest thing is to feel that the anxiety I have felt is a repeat or a revisiting of a place I thought I was out of. The temptation has been to fear that, EVEN THOUGH MOST DAYS I AM COMPLETELY FREE FROM ANXIETY, a grouping of stressful, fearful days indicate something that will be chronic in my life.

This, my friends, is simply not the case. "This", my friends, is not "that".

My sister, who does not cease to surprise me with wisdom she often doubts she possesses, listened quite patiently to me today confess these feelings and fears. She was loving as she heard me grapple with my feelings as I made myself vulnerable. And then she reminded me that "this" is not "that". Last year when I waited for my feelings to catch up to where I wanted them to be, I told her, "I just want to be better!". She emphatically said, "You ARE better, Jessi. Stop waiting for it. You are better." This truth was brought to me again today. "This" is not "that". Whatever this is (hormones, reaction to medicine, stress, etc.), this is not that.

So, here is a list (yes, another list) from the past week that lines my spirit up with the truth that whatever I have been experiencing this week is not the same as the experience of my darkest days a year ago. Here we go once more . . .

Last year's experience started immediately with an onset of insomnia . . . I am sleeping EVERY night in complete peace

I still have my appetite

I threw Jack a birthday party

I have helped Bella with her homework every day

I have played with Bella for hours and taught her a new card game this week

I cleaned my house today

I have spent a lot of time in the Word this week, finding scriptures that speak to the true character of God, how He works on my behalf

I have journaled every day

I have cooked dinner every night

I have washed the laundry

I have bathed, fixed my hair, and gotten dressed

I took Jack to the doctor for his one year check up and remember every detail of it

I am not hounded by a looming darkness connected to the hospital room I was in after Jack was born

I have called to encourage OTHERS this week

I have not had to call people every day just to feel comforted

I have laughed this week

I have not cried every day

I went to church

I have worked this week

I have taken naps . . . not every day . . . but have been able to take them

I spoke with Sue Mc. by both email and phone this week and been told that her fear of never being "in the clear" of PPD has been alleviated. She has even had the strength to make it through some extremely difficult challenges and personal loss, and has had the grace and strength to deal with it without spiraling down.

My dad made the statement to me on the phone, "You are completely delivered"

I heard God say, "Rest. Just wait." The testimony is that I heard God!

Anthony heard God say in regards to this time for me, "the enemy is trying to make something out of nothing"

I have been able to recount all of the times that I have been afraid and watched God tear the fear down and replace it with answers and faith

I do not "struggle with fear". Rather, I am given opportunities to watch God obliterate the fear and replace it with something I could never attain on my own

I can look at the blog and my journal and conclusively see how much time has passed each time between dealing with these feelings. GOD HAS BEEN, IS, AND WILL BE so good to me. Even now, there is that vague feeling (the "funk"), but THIS TOO SHALL PASS! It has EVERY other time I have ever experienced it. (But I certainly don't mind your prayers that it will pass quickly!!!)

Sing, O daughter of Zion! Shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The LORD has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:14-17