Money Talks

There's nothing we don't talk about, me and Anthony. I sit here and try to think if that is absolutely true, and yep. Pretty much. Except one thing: how to spend our money. Don't get me wrong. We certainly dialogue about finances: "Did you mail the mortgage check? Can I put gas in the car? Do we have cash or do I need to use the debit card? Where d'ya put the water bill? Don’t buy anything extra this week!" Neither of us try to sneak purchases past each other (besides an occasional candy bar and soft drink, and that’s usually me). Neither of us is accumulating massive amounts of debt behind the other’s back. We’re not even doing that collectively. Truly, we have learned to live within our means, mostly, and have grown up so much in almost twelve years of connubial bliss. But we don’t really talk together about the finances and our budget.

Several years ago we realized that one of us naturally had an easier time handling the bulk of the money management in our home, as I’m sure most couples have discovered. Anthony has moneys and budgets to manage at work, so the thought of coming home and balancing bank statements I’m sure was less than thrilling. I, on the other hand, find great delight in a well-balanced checking account. I like the hunt for those stubborn pennies or dollars that don’t seem to want to reconcile; Anthony would rather chew toenails. Gross, but probably true. We have had ups and downs along the way because of both the choices we made and because of circumstances beyond our control. We make lots of really great decisions, and a few really dumb ones.

I recently made a really, REALLY dumb one. There was no ulterior motive behind it; just a poor attempt at “juggling” to try to make the ends meet. Your basic “rob Peter to pay Paul” scenario. Anthony didn’t really have a hand in the decision to “juggle” (remember, we don’t actually talk about that kind of stuff). I’ll spare you (and me) the sticky details, but I have felt pretty disgusted with myself and embarrassed (there’s a reason the word “ass” can be found in that eleven-lettered word!). I realize now a few days out that what I did isn’t earth-shattering. I also know that we will make good on what it has cost. But it never feels good to be reminded you can really be a screw-up. Or does it?

Actually, it feels kind of nice these few days later. The thing about the façade falling down is that the façade, well, falls down. There’s nothing left to hide behind. Sometimes you don’t even realize you’ve built a façade UNTIL it isn’t there anymore. I couldn’t pretend that I hadn’t made a mistake. I couldn’t pretend that I hadn’t made a costly mistake. I couldn’t pretend that I can “get it right” all the time managing the finances by myself. Crash. Façade down. And, you know, the light shines in better now that it’s out of the way.

I have wanted to “protect” him from the worry over our finances. Sometimes it’s just tight and I never want him to feel that he isn’t doing enough to bring in income. Nobody I know works harder than Anthony. It just is what it is sometimes. But he’s never asked me to shield him from the finances. Just like everything else about “us”, it’s a partnership. Hey, we may be rolling in it, but let’s enjoy that and figure out what to do with it…together. Oy, it may be tight, but let’s trust and believe and pinch pennies and put the money in the places it needs to go…together.

Now, there's nothing we don't talk about, me and Anthony. Nothing at all. That’s nice. Really nice.