This is a test

This is a test of the "Can-I-really-blog-remotely-with-my-new-toy?" Blogging System. This is only a test. Had this been an actual blog entry there would have been humorous anecdotes or deep thoughts conveyed. I repeat: this is only a test.

What Bella Got (or Lost) For Christmas

A long-awaited event (mostly long-awaited by impatient parents) finally occurred at the Costa cottage this December. No, it didn't involve the Big Guy with a jelly-bowl belly (although he did stop in). It did not include a clatter over our heads arising from the pitter patter of reindeer feet. It actually didn't even revolve around receiving anything. Nope. The long-awaited event was all about loss. Yep. Loss. Finally, with much persuasion and only a little tug, Bella relented and let me pull her two front, rediculously-loose-for-way-too-long teeth. I can hardly say they were pulled. I think a stiff wind might've blown them out if given the chance. So, here's a little before and after of my cutie.

P.S. She had reservations about losing the teeth. She told me emphatically, and I quote, "I'll look like a redneck without my teeth!" After they were out I asked her if she thought she looked like a redneck afterall. She coyly responded, "No. I think it's cutie patutie." True enough. (self-portrait the day of the event) (post-pulling)

And here's a little toothless pickle-eating for your perusal.

Actually, the video is a little bit redneck, hallelujah-cowabunga.

Money Talks

There's nothing we don't talk about, me and Anthony. I sit here and try to think if that is absolutely true, and yep. Pretty much. Except one thing: how to spend our money. Don't get me wrong. We certainly dialogue about finances: "Did you mail the mortgage check? Can I put gas in the car? Do we have cash or do I need to use the debit card? Where d'ya put the water bill? Don’t buy anything extra this week!" Neither of us try to sneak purchases past each other (besides an occasional candy bar and soft drink, and that’s usually me). Neither of us is accumulating massive amounts of debt behind the other’s back. We’re not even doing that collectively. Truly, we have learned to live within our means, mostly, and have grown up so much in almost twelve years of connubial bliss. But we don’t really talk together about the finances and our budget.

Several years ago we realized that one of us naturally had an easier time handling the bulk of the money management in our home, as I’m sure most couples have discovered. Anthony has moneys and budgets to manage at work, so the thought of coming home and balancing bank statements I’m sure was less than thrilling. I, on the other hand, find great delight in a well-balanced checking account. I like the hunt for those stubborn pennies or dollars that don’t seem to want to reconcile; Anthony would rather chew toenails. Gross, but probably true. We have had ups and downs along the way because of both the choices we made and because of circumstances beyond our control. We make lots of really great decisions, and a few really dumb ones.

I recently made a really, REALLY dumb one. There was no ulterior motive behind it; just a poor attempt at “juggling” to try to make the ends meet. Your basic “rob Peter to pay Paul” scenario. Anthony didn’t really have a hand in the decision to “juggle” (remember, we don’t actually talk about that kind of stuff). I’ll spare you (and me) the sticky details, but I have felt pretty disgusted with myself and embarrassed (there’s a reason the word “ass” can be found in that eleven-lettered word!). I realize now a few days out that what I did isn’t earth-shattering. I also know that we will make good on what it has cost. But it never feels good to be reminded you can really be a screw-up. Or does it?

Actually, it feels kind of nice these few days later. The thing about the façade falling down is that the façade, well, falls down. There’s nothing left to hide behind. Sometimes you don’t even realize you’ve built a façade UNTIL it isn’t there anymore. I couldn’t pretend that I hadn’t made a mistake. I couldn’t pretend that I hadn’t made a costly mistake. I couldn’t pretend that I can “get it right” all the time managing the finances by myself. Crash. Façade down. And, you know, the light shines in better now that it’s out of the way.

I have wanted to “protect” him from the worry over our finances. Sometimes it’s just tight and I never want him to feel that he isn’t doing enough to bring in income. Nobody I know works harder than Anthony. It just is what it is sometimes. But he’s never asked me to shield him from the finances. Just like everything else about “us”, it’s a partnership. Hey, we may be rolling in it, but let’s enjoy that and figure out what to do with it…together. Oy, it may be tight, but let’s trust and believe and pinch pennies and put the money in the places it needs to go…together.

Now, there's nothing we don't talk about, me and Anthony. Nothing at all. That’s nice. Really nice.

A Brief Interview . . .

(Me:) Bella, what are some things you are thankful for this Thanksgiving?

(Bella:) I'm thankful for my brother. I'm also thankful for my friends. Ummm, I am very thankful for my teacher, ["you can type Mrs. Claxton's name", she says] Mrs. Claxton. And I am also thankful for God and Him giving all the good privileges that He gives me. [kisses me on the cheek, whispers "I love you", flashes a grin, and runs downstairs to watch Tom & Jerry with Daddy]

Not an extensive interview, or a very long list. In fact it would appear Daddy and Mommy didn't make the cut for this year's accounting (probably because right now this interlude is competing with the fact that she is most thankful for being at the grandparents' where there is cable television). But I know my girl. She loves me, list or no list. She'll end this day, like every other one, expressing that in her own sweet way, to me, Anthony, and Jack. Even the dog gets a little nod now and again.

"...all the good privileges..." Her words. Not mine. I couldn't have said it any better.

Happy Thanksgiving. If you are reading this, you are likely one of the "good privileges" I am most thankful for.

P.S. Here's another sweet story of some kid-wisdom. You've got to love those Schmidt kids!

Sheer "Random"onium

In an effort to be somewhat consistent in the blogosphere, I give you 10 random (and quite useless) facts about myself. I cannot guarantee that this will be even remotely interesting, but I will try.







- I am left-handed (and in my right mind).

- In my family my sister is called "the cute one" and I am "the funny one". It is my gift. It is my curse.

- My first "date" with Anthony was at the Golden Pantry...a gas station...with his little sister (There was nowhere to go but up from that date!)

- I would like to eat sushi every day of my life.

- In 5th grade I told my closest friend and neighbor, Rachel, that I had a boyfriend named Jason Pendergrass in a desperate attempt to not look "losery" (though in hindsight I realize she didn't give a flip whether I had a boyfriend or not). Almost needless to say, I made him up. Yeah. That's definitely less losery.

- I don't ride roller coasters.

- Anthony and I dated, all totalled, for about 6 weeks before he proposed. He left 3 weeks later for 6 months overseas and came home 3 weeks before the wedding. We have enjoyed connubial bliss for 12 years this coming March. Wouldn't have it any other way!

- I am fascinated by anything that has to do with the RMS Titanic. (Not the movie. The actual ship.)

- I use the word "cool" way too much. Not cool.

- I wish I were more "Anne" and less "Diana".

Alright. That took entirely too long. Enjoy.

P.S. I think I have a moustache in this picture.

Jumpin' Jack Flash

An Admission Of Sorts . . .

The word "admission" truly is a gross exaggeration for what it is.

The truth is I sit here at the computer today completely at peace and at rest about the election results. I am exceedingly proud to have seen in my lifetime a black man being elected the president of a country that not so many years ago fostered a tyranny upon our own soil that was so far in excess of even that from which its founding fathers had fled themselves. I know it has been squarely declared that this election is historical, but I feel the brevity of that truth today. It should never cease to impress us to see a democratic process work in a world where there are innumerable places still in existence where the word "tyranny" sorely understates the atrocities visited on its inhabitants on a daily basis. The opportunities available and freedoms given in the United States of America truly are the greatest in the world. For all of this, my pride and patriotism soar.

Did the candidate I voted for win? No. He did not. In this moment of patriotism and history-in-the-making do I pretend to support the platform of the president-elect? Absolutely not. There are key issues about which I have a deep, impenetrable conviction that compels me to disagree unswervingly with him. But, he will be my president. He will take an oath and be sworn into the highest position in the highest office in our land. He will sit in a difficult, trying, powerful seat. And I will support him. I will love him. I will pray for him. I will continue to disagree with him because I can and, on many counts, must. I will not rip and tear into him with a venomous hate that too often gets categorized as "righteous indignation" by people who forget themselves and the God who places over them authority.

Though I am proud of America today, I am more proud to read and hear the reactions of the people I love. People who believed for a different outcome. People who have fasted and prayed. People who lay siege to the attacks waged on America every day by an enemy who is The Enemy. Their responses tell me that they are unshaken because their faith is not based on their own agenda or even seeing their intercession result in an answer they understand. They are not thwarted. They, we, are realizing that our intercession was not for A man or A woman or A political election. And our intercession can't be. The more days I am given, the more I realize that the absolute necessity is to climb above my agenda and lean on the breast of my Abba so that I can hear His heart beat. It beats for me. He's got my "agenda" taken care of. But it also beats for things mine does not. I realize that my intercession does not move the heart of God as much as it moves my own.

His heart is beating for America. I think He is proud of His kids today who continue to believe in and for a change only He can bring; who lean into His bosom enough to hear His heart . . ."I am not republican or democrat...I Am. You believed for a righteous judge...I Am. You hold the banner of hope...I Am."

My heart swells. His ways are not my own.

I am proud to have a BLACK PRESIDENT.
I am peaceful because I am held by an INTIMATE, INFINITE GOD.

Not the most thrilling post ever...

...but sweet Jack (he'll hate that I ever called him "sweet") got his first haircut. His curly locks are lovely, but falling midway down his back is not what I'm aiming for. But the curls remain, only shorter. Everyone's happy.

Truth

This was too good to be reminded of this morning to not share it.

He knows its hard. He knows it. But He's "Daddy". We can trust Him . . . even when it hurts to.


Don’t be afraid baby don’t you cry
Daddy’s here it will be all right
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Don’t be afraid when you’re cold at night
I will keep you warm I will hold you tight
You’re not alone you’re not alone

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe

The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not alone

Don’t be afraid when you scrape your knee
I’ve got a band aide waiting and a kiss for free
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Don’t be afraid of your blind belief
Because the more you fly the more you’ll see
You’re not alone you’re not alone

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe

The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not alone

Don’t be afraid little warrior bride
Your victory’s on the other side
You’re not alone you’re not alone

Victory is on the other side . . . the other side of whatever your "this" is, and mine too.

This Is Not That

Welp, I have had a difficult week. I have a short list of potential reasons why it has been a difficult time, but I'm pretty sure the reasons aren't important. The hardest thing is to feel that the anxiety I have felt is a repeat or a revisiting of a place I thought I was out of. The temptation has been to fear that, EVEN THOUGH MOST DAYS I AM COMPLETELY FREE FROM ANXIETY, a grouping of stressful, fearful days indicate something that will be chronic in my life.

This, my friends, is simply not the case. "This", my friends, is not "that".

My sister, who does not cease to surprise me with wisdom she often doubts she possesses, listened quite patiently to me today confess these feelings and fears. She was loving as she heard me grapple with my feelings as I made myself vulnerable. And then she reminded me that "this" is not "that". Last year when I waited for my feelings to catch up to where I wanted them to be, I told her, "I just want to be better!". She emphatically said, "You ARE better, Jessi. Stop waiting for it. You are better." This truth was brought to me again today. "This" is not "that". Whatever this is (hormones, reaction to medicine, stress, etc.), this is not that.

So, here is a list (yes, another list) from the past week that lines my spirit up with the truth that whatever I have been experiencing this week is not the same as the experience of my darkest days a year ago. Here we go once more . . .

Last year's experience started immediately with an onset of insomnia . . . I am sleeping EVERY night in complete peace

I still have my appetite

I threw Jack a birthday party

I have helped Bella with her homework every day

I have played with Bella for hours and taught her a new card game this week

I cleaned my house today

I have spent a lot of time in the Word this week, finding scriptures that speak to the true character of God, how He works on my behalf

I have journaled every day

I have cooked dinner every night

I have washed the laundry

I have bathed, fixed my hair, and gotten dressed

I took Jack to the doctor for his one year check up and remember every detail of it

I am not hounded by a looming darkness connected to the hospital room I was in after Jack was born

I have called to encourage OTHERS this week

I have not had to call people every day just to feel comforted

I have laughed this week

I have not cried every day

I went to church

I have worked this week

I have taken naps . . . not every day . . . but have been able to take them

I spoke with Sue Mc. by both email and phone this week and been told that her fear of never being "in the clear" of PPD has been alleviated. She has even had the strength to make it through some extremely difficult challenges and personal loss, and has had the grace and strength to deal with it without spiraling down.

My dad made the statement to me on the phone, "You are completely delivered"

I heard God say, "Rest. Just wait." The testimony is that I heard God!

Anthony heard God say in regards to this time for me, "the enemy is trying to make something out of nothing"

I have been able to recount all of the times that I have been afraid and watched God tear the fear down and replace it with answers and faith

I do not "struggle with fear". Rather, I am given opportunities to watch God obliterate the fear and replace it with something I could never attain on my own

I can look at the blog and my journal and conclusively see how much time has passed each time between dealing with these feelings. GOD HAS BEEN, IS, AND WILL BE so good to me. Even now, there is that vague feeling (the "funk"), but THIS TOO SHALL PASS! It has EVERY other time I have ever experienced it. (But I certainly don't mind your prayers that it will pass quickly!!!)

Sing, O daughter of Zion! Shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The LORD has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:14-17

Taking It To The Bank!

Well, it is certainly that time again.

This is the day Jack was born, one year ago today. It has been quite a year packed with only touches of suffering and suitcases of the sublime. How can I let this day come and go without another accounting of more blessings gleaned from the latter part of this year? Here we go . . .

Jack eats breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the table with all of us. He likes Mommy's cooking!

Bella loves her brother and tells me at least once a week, "I like Jack-y!"

Jack has had ONE illness requiring a doctor visit this entire first year of life

We had an awesome summer vacation where Jack touched the ocean for the first time

Bella is in second grade, thriving academically, and according to her teacher "very open about her faith"

I sleep in peace, and so does everyone else in the house, EVERY single night

We survived two rounds of strep (Jack never got it)

My days are so full of "sunshine" that when the "clouds" roll in I almost can't remember what to do

When they do roll in, I finally remember to stand on the truth of the Word, speak it out, and remember that this, too, shall pass

I do all the grocery shopping

I cook supper every night

Bella would rather eat a home-made lunch than school food any day

I have been able to share my testimony of life after PPD with more than one person to encourage and comfort with the comfort I have received

When a hard day comes, or even a few in a row, they ALWAYS go away

God is teaching me about His nature . . . relentlessly kind and loving toward me

Anthony and I love each other more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow

Our cars are paid for

Our bills are current

We have significantly less debt now than we did one year ago

God gave me Autumn back this year . . . this one WILL NOT be dimmed by raging hormones and clouded thoughts . . . He redeems EVERYTHING

God has expanded Anthony's ministry roles (and mine) at COTN

My dad got a wrong diagnosis and is NOT sick with a serious illness

My mom is counting down to retirement . . . finally

I laugh A LOT

Anthony laughs A LOT

Bella laughs A LOT

Jack laughs A LOT

Jack drinks one bottle a day

Jack has 9 teeth

Jack stands up

I sent an email to a woman who has truly encouraged me just by her simple willingness to testify to the sustaining power of Jesus Christ, and I was surprised to read about the email on her blog

Dear friends are home

Dear friends aren't leaving the country and us to live in Korea, as I feared they would (heh, heh)

My dear friends are dearer than they have ever been, and greater in number than I ever knew

My nephew's sweet one-year-old foot isn't "crinked" anymore

I have talked to the Lord, and hopefully listened to Him, more than any other time in my entire life

Over the last few days He has repeatedly brought before me the reality that I will continue to see His goodness in the land of the living

Every fear I have ever had has been completely alleviated and removed as far as the east is from the west

The fears that still hang around are doomed for banishment

Some of these things seem trivial. Some of them are monumental. I realize how ridiculous it is to even compile the list, not because there isn't any gratitude, but rather because there are too many blessings to list in a thousand lifetimes. It is so good I realize in this moment to give an account of the blessings. It feels like inhaling cool, clean oxygen.

I am loved and highly favored. And it hasn't got a thing to do with me. God is just that way. He is compassionate and full of mercy. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is my glory and the lifter of my head. He asks us to hope, knows that hope deferred makes us heart-sick, and so promises that hope will not disappoint.

My "account" is full . . . and running over.

Jack is ONE and so much fun!

What more can I say? This little guy makes me laugh every day. I am so blessed to be his mommy and have loved every minute of it. What a year of blessing!

Love and Sushi

Friday night Anthony and I had a much-needed date. It wasn’t much needed because of marital strife or neglect, just because we needed a little "face time" (and a touch of romance can’t hurt, either). He called me the day before and asked if I would be interested in going out with him for the next evening. Are you kidding me? Oh, yeah. I love what I do being "Mom", but to just be "Jessi"-or-"J"-or-"Chop"-or-whatever-else Anthony calls me for the night sounded like paradise. Coincidentally, it was also the anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him. Twelve years ago on September 5, 1996 he set in motion the chain of events that has brought our lives to here and now. Now that is a great memory. Planning a date on the same day as this momentous anniversary was not intentional, Anthony confesses, but it was like a little wink from Heaven for us to be able to swing an evening alone on that momentous occasion.

Mom and Dad were troopers and picked up our kiddos on their way back from time spent with their other grandbabies. Soon after they left we departed ourselves. It was a lovely night with the hint of Fall’s crispness in the air and the beginning of its strikingly painted colors. It was a night that to others might seem relatively uneventful in the world of "Dates". We ate our weight in sushi, looked at price-reduced-but-still-over-priced-for-us home décor, had a fifteen-minute disagreement that we quickly bounced back from, drank delicious coffee with dessert, watched a movie that was actually worth seeing, scooped our babies up to wake in their own beds the next morning, and ended the evening once again amazed that we could love each other more in those moments than we did the day before, and still not as much as tomorrow.

We had an awesome date. What a blessing. What an infusion of rest and joy and laughter and satisfaction. We are so many things we didn’t used to be; Daddy and Mama times two, pastor, homeowners, possessors of seasoned and weathered friendships, recipients of some of life’s greatest treasures, and survivors of trials by fire. But a date night gives a chance to realize that, in some capacity, we’re still the "Anthony and Jessi" we set out being. "Us". The rest of life over the last twelve years doesn’t melt away, leaving just the Anthony and me of old. It’s understandably more complex than that. "The rest of life" has seeped into our pores and its part of who we are, additional threads in the fabric of Us. It’s an altered reality from the way we started out, like "Us, and then some."

When we date, we no longer think that we have to make a pact to not talk about the kids; their part of Us. We aren’t threatened by discussion of the day-to-day; it doesn’t diminish Us. But the time alone, just we two, does afford Us moments to look across a table and be pleasantly reminded of things that perhaps go unnoticed in the everyday; the curve of a smile, the vivid colors in a pair of eyes, the contrast of skin tones with one hand laid on top of another.

Twelve years in, is some of the mystique gone? Well, truthfully (if there ever was any), yep. But there is a mastery of conversation and laughter. Do we get as gussied up as we once did? Maybe not, but we go hand-in-hand and rediscover the beauty the other possesses. Do we try to top the last date with being more expensive and extravagant than the last? Nope. Most times we stretch the dollars and pinch the pennies until they scream, but we discover we can still come away fulfilled on a shoestring. And do we play the coy and cunning game of flirtation and wooing that we once might have? Nah. We traded that long ago for a connectedness that doesn’t require the batting of eyelashes or the carefully chosen words meant to seduce. Those things are nice, certainly part of "the dance". We just don’t need them to draw us in. We’re there already.

At the end of the day (and the middle, and the beginning) I still would rather be with Anthony than anyone on the planet. That amazes me. I don’t know all the ways we got here, but I sure do like it. Us. Anthony and Jessica. "Priceless" and "Wealthy", the meanings of our names. Boy, don’t I know it first hand. What’s in a name? In my experience, a lot.

"And I could never take a chance
at losing love to find romance
in the mysterious distance
between a man and a woman."
- U2

The Hour At Which All Parenting Theories Fly Out The Window

God,
It’s the second night in a row that Jack has waked up in the middle of the night. Last night was at 2:30 and tonight it was 4:00. I want to thank you for giving us more hours of sleep tonight, and him as well. But it is so hard to know what the right thing to do is. Do I turn on a light? Do I change his diaper? Do I give him medicine for teething gums? Do I speak? Do I give him some milk? Do I turn on music to listen to? Do I do nothing and just wait it out? Will he keep doing this???

I know that this is just one of those "baby things" and that it is NOT the norm in any way. It just really is hard. I want to help him, but I want him to sleep. I also don’t want to worry that he’s never again going to sleep like he always has. Waiting for him to calm down and go back to sleep is like waiting to see who wins – him or me. It isn’t a fight or a battle. It just is what it is. I know these small struggles – "power struggles", even – really afford opportunities to build into Jack (and us) character. To let him have his way would be so much more comfortable sometimes, but I know in the end that doesn’t make him into the best person he can be.

God, will you comfort him? Will you, right now at 4:50 AM sing a song over him and bring him peace? Will you begin on this day, Friday September 5, 2008, begin to become real to him in the sweet way that you show yourself to children? I want to be his helper and his comforter, but he needs you in the darkness when I am not there.

"Peace, peace, wonderful peace flowing down from the Father above. Sweep over my spirit forever I pray in fathomless billows of love. Peace, peace wonderful peace flowing down from the Father above. Sweep over my spirit forever I pray in fathomless billows of love." You can comfort him in ways I never could. I don’t mean to be melodramatic. I know this is "normal" for kiddos to go through. But I also know that I want him to know you in all your fullness from now to forever. Send your Holy Spirit into Jack’s little room to dance and sing for him.

5:00 AM. Silence in Jack’s room. Wow. Thank you, Abba. Thank you so much.

What my Dad said...

"You're the example of why people shouldn't have blogs."

Aaah. Feel the love.

So, here goes another attempt at consistent blogging. Let's see if I can turn this sinking blog around.

Accounting 102

Hopefully I'll get good at this: taking into account all God has done on my behalf (our behalf) since Jack was born. Today is a tough day, very tough. I can barely hold back my tears or fears, and actually, haven't held them back much at all. I think there is a list of contributing factors to my tough day, several "good reasons". But in the throes, these are little consolation. There are just so many bad memories associated with the kinds of feelings I am feeling today.

So in an effort to embrace the WHOLE truth, not just the partial reality of my feelings, here is another accounting of signs of God's hand and healing:

All of the things accounted for in the last post still hold true.

Christmas holidays were great.

I made almost EVERY gift we gave for Christmas.

We traveled successfully and happily to visit family in two states three separate times.

Jack is sleeping through the night, and hit that milestone before turning 3 months old.

We stayed up WAY too late (or early) with the Blackmons ringing in the new year and had a great time.

I started and finished reading a book.

Bella and I have cuddled lots lately, and SHE reads to me.

Jack found his belly laugh, and I brought it out of him.

I painted a lot in Anthony's new youth room.

I have had my second-to-last counseling appointment, with it being said I am definitely "on the mend".

EVERY one of our significant financial needs have been met, in miraculous ways.

Bella is an AWESOME big sister and precious daughter.

The new sanctuary has been opened and I got to put the media together for the first service.

I cut my sister's and niece's hair.

I have not had a blue day since my last post, December 6th.

I am constantly reminded I have companions on this journey.

I set goals for the new year.

Even as I write it is hard to elevate these TRUTHS above my nebulous feelings. Feelings are so strong, but they don't have to be powerful, I realize. A very wise man once told me, "Just press through it. My experience has been that if I slow down long enough to give it any serious thought or contemplation, my emotional reactions are worse and longer-standing." He's right, once again. That kind of contemplation has caused today's tailspin.

I know I am healing. I just know it. Today I don't feel it. But it doesn't change the truth. I know this day doesn't surprise God. The truth is He supplies all my needs according to His riches. He is rich in peace. He is rich in endurance. He is rich in joy. He is rich in healing. He hasn't given me a spirit of fear. He gave me His spirit when He adopted me as His daughter, and it is a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. These problems are small and won't last very long, but they are producing for me a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever. He is the God who goes before me and with me. He does not leave me or abandon me. My soul can wait quietly before Him. He has begun a good work and He is faithful to complete it. Sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. He is not a withholding God. He has plans for me, that include prosperity, hope, and a future. He loves me. This I KNOW.

Counting up my currency

So, I can now say I have experienced postpartum depression/anxiety.

It's why I changed the header of the blog to "Out of the Blue"; it's the way it hit me, and where I'm headed.

I have wanted to write about the experience, but with all it's complexities I hardly know where to start. On occasion there is still a vague feeling of angst in my chest. In the early days after my sweet Jack was born I spent a lot of time trying to figure the feeling out and be rid of it. Actually, I spent too much time at this, but I'll save the details of that for another post. The physiological "chaos" in me has been very real, but the fears and forebodings have not been. Anthony and I talked the other day during one of these anxious times. This definitely was not unusual, as Anthony has most faithfully and amazingly stood very firmly, hearing, seeing, and feeling the most painful parts of this sojourn. What was different this time was my desire to not study at length what could potentially be the source of the anxiety, or to dissect it and find rational solutions for worries that are not based in reality.

I've always heard that the way to determine a counterfeit piece of currency from the real thing is by studying the real money. There are simply too many types of the bogus. But learning the intricacies of the authentic turns the novice into a pro at identifying the truth. This entry is a study in the genuine, the multiple ways in which I can see my healing taking place. It is a moment to gaze, not just glance, at the realities that are so much more substantial than some ambiguous sensation in my chest. It is a raw list and in no way exhaustive. And for there to be a truth there must be a lie that it counters, so this list will in a way lay bare and reveal the tremblings I have faced in these days. But the truth and increasingly beautiful redemption of my reality is what is worth taking into account.

Here goes. . .

I can sleep in peace

I take care of Jack everyday at home by myself

I know its not a "faith issue"

I get up every morning, have breakfast and silly conversation, and dress Isabella for school

I hosted a Thanksgiving party in our home

I can operate a vehicle

I have hope for tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year

I laugh

I've gone back to work

Jack weighs 11 pounds

Jack sleeps in 6 hour stretches at night

Jack loves the sound of my voice and smiles at me all the time

I made it through two weekends in November without Anthony

I'm not afraid of a rainy day

I'm not afraid of a nap

I get dressed almost every day

I pick Bella up from school every day

I feel perfectly peaceful EVERY night before bed

I cook supper

I feel the junk in my chest even now . . . but I know it's not real

"I still see things that are not here. I just choose not to acknowledge them. Like a diet of the mind, I just choose not to indulge certain appetites." (John F. Nash, Jr.)

I am better everyday. That is the truth, my real currency to spend. These blessings are worth a further study.

Gardening for a Dummy

"A farmer went out to sow his seed. Some of it fell on the road; it was tramped down and the birds ate it. Other seed fell in the gravel; it sprouted, but withered because it didn't have good roots. Other seed fell in the weeds; the weeds grew with it and strangled it. Other seed fell in rich earth and produced a bumper crop. . .
And the seed that fell in the weeds—well, these are the ones who hear, but then the seed is crowded out and nothing comes of it as they go about their lives worrying about tomorrow, making money, and having fun." - from Luke 8

I have historically viewed this passage as if it pertains only to people in their "pre-acceptance or -rejection" of the gospel and Jesus. Now, as I read, reread, and listen to the Holy Spirit I realize for the first time that within this story lies a description of my own heart. The "good seed" is so often crowded out by the cares, worries, and pleasures of this world; the weeds. I have tended weeds more than the good seed. It reminds me of talking to my best friend, Kathryn, just recently. The Holy Spirit led her to look at some things in her life, and realize that she was keeping them in the "soil" because they had a nice bloom - but they were nothing more than flowering weeds. In the garden of my life (time, priorities, commitments, thoughts, etc.) I can often identify and pick out the weeds. But only now do I truly realize tending these weeds, the shallow, surface ones, is like standing over a weed in a garden and having to continually cut the weed back, when what really needs to happen is for the hand of the gardener to reach down deep in the soil and pull up this unsightly, unwelcomed growth, roots and all.

It's the soil of my heart that has weeds, my deepest soil, and in a lot of ways I have just been maintaining and shoveling around top soil and mulch. Another telling of this same parable describes the heart with this kind of soil as "lacking in maturity". Ouch. It's the best and worst of realizations. I realize my tendency to allow cares, worries, and pleasures of this life to be the plants I tend to. They are often the primary make up of my garden. Good to realize. That's the best part. The worst part is the knowledge that I don't have a clue how to change this.

But You do . . .

"You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain . . . you are a garden fountain, a well of fresh water streaming down from Lebanon's mountains." This is what You say about my garden. What a vastly different picture than the one I see of my garden. And, perhaps, therein lies the problem - I have treated it as "my garden" when all along it is Yours, ours, a place for us. How do I change the condition of the soil? Let You in. How do I uproot the weeds? Let You in. How can what really needs to grow spring up instead of the useless overgrowth? Let You in.

So I will say, "Awake, north wind! Rise up, south wind! Blow on my garden and spread it's fragrance all around. Come into Your garden, my Love; taste it's finest fruits." And what will be Your reply? "I have entered My garden, My treasure, My bride! I gather myrh with My spices and eat honeycomb with My honey. I drink wine with My milk."

Oh, Lover and beloved, eat and drink! Yes, drink deeply of your love!

God I want to tend our garden with You. Help me, Lord.

Gone too long

Yep. That's been me. I can hardly believe that I haven't written since March. But then again, there have been some ch-ch-ch-changes . . .

Welp, I'm back.

...one is silver, but the other gold.

Beth is one of my oldest friends. Well, she's not that old, but our friendship is. She and her husband Jonathan are older than me, were ahead of me three years in school, seniors when I was a freshman. Needless to say, they were my "cool" friends, and that I could hang with them made them even cooler in my eyes. Beth and Jonathan have been, and will always be, some of the most beautiful and talented people I will ever know. I know I am not the only one who can say that of them. Beth's accolades are well-deserved, and more expansive than I can list or remember. I am so proud of her, of them because I know she didn't acheive it alone, as I know so many are.

Jonathan and Beth married the same year as Anthony and me, 10 years ago this spring (though they have lapped us in number of years together . . . over half their lives). We have spent most, if not all, of our adult married lives living in seperate places, only seeing eachother a few times in this decade for dinner, a graduation, a baby dedication, and sharing a phone call here and there at pivotal decision-making times in my life. But they never feel far away.

Most recently I got to see Beth for an event that I know she and I have been praying she would experience for a long time; her very own baby shower. Now baby Julian is here and there are pictures from his birth and the first few weeks of life for family and friends to view online. When I look at them, all of them, I sit in a kind of wonder. Beth's and Jonathan's faces are etched in my brain for the keeping, but the wonder comes from seeing expressions I have never seen before . . . the faces of a mama and daddy. I haven't even known how to congratulate them. How do you tell someone that you are moved to the core for what life now holds for them, and by what they hold in their arms, with a card that says, "Congrats on the new baby!"?

Beyond this day, Beth (and Jonathan) will continue to achieve and accomplish more than most people would dare dream. There is so much more to come in their lives and careers, of that I am sure. I will watch with anticipation at what is to come. Certainly more time will pass before we are able to see each other. Different relationships and other friends have come into our lives who are able to share what we have not been able to; the drop-in visits by the house on the way home from somewhere, the lunch meetings, dinners out, catching a movie together, board games and laughing way too late into the evening . . . the "every day". But I love them dearly. I love a shared past, as silly and serious teens, sweet moments together over the last ten years, and the fact that, whether the call is made or not, Beth is still one of the first people I think of when I want to share something of my life.

More life will happen, with even more literal miles between us than before because of the new journey that lies before them. But I will always be proud to call them my golden friends (please excuse the cheeser kid music).

Here goes . . . Congrats, Beth and Jonathan. Congrats.

June 1990:
Beth's a smart girl. She must be laughing at my hair. (Go ahead. You can, too.) February 2007: The beautiful, soon-to-be-Mommy.